I AM VERY BUSY I CAN'T STAY LONG

I am firing XRT. They were my go-to background music, mostly because they play music and then when the DJs talk they are not colossal pig-faced freakazoids like on other radio stations where they talk about what they did last night and how hung over they are and if I want that, I will talk to myself.

But today, in a huff, I flipped on the radio, expecting to hear mellow Sunday music because I have to write a lot and I don't have time to dilly dally nor do I have time to watch 3 hours of skateboarding in which Shaun White could've won the overall title of Some Really Important Skateboarding Series, and almost nearly didn't because some dude with a Frawnch name nailed about three million front-side 900s and scored a 93, which is, apparently, the awesomest thing ever since wheels were invented, but Shaun pulled it out, ladies and gentlemen, which means he's a god on wheels and a god on the snowboard and just for your information, I learned this week that snowboarders are not snowboarders, they are "riders" and skateboarders are not riders, they are "skaters." So please correct that in your programs.

Anyhow, good thing I don't know that about the skateboarding thingymabob because that gave me lots of time to do my writing and that's when I decided to fire XRT. I like XRT, even if that means I'm an aging hippie and even if that means I am "out of it." I like them because occassionally the beginning of a song scratches, or they intro one song and then another plays, and then I realize that there's actually a human somewhere pressing knobs and turning dials and that makes music a lot better. At least in my book. Maybe it doesn't in yours, but I've grown accustomed to humans and I like to know when they're around.

But today I turned on XRT and they were playing "I Knew the Bride When She Used to Rock N Roll," and I thought it was a bit, or part of that morning show thing where they answer questions from listeners like, "Why do people do the chicken dance at weddings?" And the answer is always, "Beer."

But, no. They were playing "I Knew the Bride When She Used to Rock N Roll" for real. The whole thing, no interruptions, no sound of a scratching needle (needles--those pointy things that used to touch records in order for songs to come out)(records--those black things with grooves in them that have songs on them)(records--also good for frisbee when you don't have a frisbee and you're in a pinch). So I changed the channel.

On Q101 they were playing a Cyndi Lauper cover song sung by a bunch of dudes with guitars. Then they played a song that sounded suspiciously like "Stone in Love" from Journey, not that I'm a huge Journey fan or anything, but if I was, I would tell you that "Escape" is one of the all-time best albums ever and also, those white Nikes with the red stripe and the blue slip around the heal and the triangle toe, I had those, and I had those because Steve Perry had those and I am secure enough in own skin to admit to that, hypothetically speaking.

And then Q101 played the Beastie Boys, but not the I've-found-peace-in-Tibet Beasties, the I-party-in-Brooklyn-fuck-you Beasties, and then I was like, "What is going on? What year is this?" And now I'm wondering if there's any radio station in Chicago that plays songs created IN THIS CENTURY so now I'm firing Q101, too.

This is clearly a call for iTunes. Always good to know you can spend 500 million dollars on music without even knowing it. Not that that's happened, I am as good at budgeting the millions of dollars I have as I am at budgeting the time I have and that's why I am so prolific and so rich.

Right now on iTunes: Tool. In which he repeatedly says, "Fucker." This is what I'm talkin' about, XRT and Q1-oh-stupid.

Also in local news, "Stick It" is not an instructional DVD, it's a movie, and it's about gymnastics, and you would know this if you rode your bicycle to the Kasey's in Seneca, IL, and you bought a Snickers and while you ate that Snickers you walked around the store, anxiously waiting for the woman in the women's bathroom to hurry up because 30 ounces of Gatorade sure does pass through the system quickly and also, DO NOT GO IN THE MEN'S ROOM, it is gross and what those dudes think passes for clean is frightening, though I don't have time to comment on it because I am very busy being prolific and rich, so please stop asking me so many questions.

Good day.