DOES THIS CELL PHONE SWIM?

Hockey is awesome. This is because there are a lot of dudes rolling around on ice and occasionally, they nail each other with an elbow or a right hook and then there's a fight, and then someone ends up with some missing teeth or a black eye and it is so guy it defies explanation.

You have to love a sport where you are obligated to leave your guts out on the playing field. By which I mean, if you have to take an elbow to the face in order to make a goal, and you do it, that is awesome. For a point of reference, you should know that I think sprinting on my bicycle for a line that is arbitrarily drawn somewhere on the road is good idea, especially when I've already ridden so hard I feel like I'm gonna throw up and I know for sure I will once I stop but before I stop I'm gonna haul ass for the arbitrary line and possibly throw up on myself while I'm doing it and this is what I consider normal, so an elbow to the face seems about right in my world.

In addition, at hockey games, did I mention, there are dudes. Not just dudes, but dude dudes, which is awesome if you're a woman and you like dudes. I imagine that me going to a dude-oriented sporting event is probably like the equivalent of a dude taking a secret stroll through the Victoria's Secret catalog--sometimes, it's just really good to appreciate the shape of the other gender. Sometimes, the sheer movement of someone who moves so significantly different than you is an act of beauty that makes you want to cry.

The other thing about hockey games is, you may find yourself consuming a few Budweisers, as Budweiser is the patron saint of the United Center, and after a few of these you may have to use the bathroom, where you will suddenly get an urge to text your pal because apparently after a few beers you're suddenly very productive and you must multitask, so let's just say you pull your phone out of your back pocket but before you can punch in the first letter of your text the phone slips from your hand and dives into the toilet. You may at first be thankful that your phone dove into the toilet before you used the toilet, but then you will realize that your phone is completely submerged in water and you will remember that cell phones are the items that are least likely to swim their way to safety.

You may or may not spend the next two periods of the dude fest hocky game trying to get your phone to work, though you know, in the pit of your stomach where all truth lies, that you have just witnessed the death of your phone. Too bad, too, since you just got it a month ago and it was free, you lucky sonofabitch, and what fun it will be to pay full price for another phone. That's great. BUT, the dudes are skating and sticking and elbowing and scoring, so perhaps all is not lost.

The team with "Chicago" on their jerseys will win, which is good, because now the drowned phone was worth it, well, not really, but this is what you will tell yourself on the 50 Damen, the bus route most likely to challenge the snail for the Slowest Moving Organism In The World Award.

So, to recap, nice move on the festivities for the night.