ALL THE WISDOM THERE IS

Recently, I saw a mountain. It was pretty big. I saw the mountain because Eric pointed it out to me from the plane window. We were on my private jet, returning home from a Formula 1 race in Monaco. I own a Formula 1 race team. Also, I am a world-famous Formula 1 race car driver.

As it turned out, we took the long way home from Monaco, so ended up cruising through the West Coast of the mighty USA, and that’s when Eric tapped my shoulder and pointed out the window.

Sometimes I like to jump out of the window of my private jet, climb across the wing, make my adjustments with my private-jet toolset, then jump back inside the plane and finish off the caviar. This works well for me because there is usually an excessive amount of caviar on my jet.

When Eric tapped my shoulder, I turned to see this majestic mountain, standing across the kingdom from me, so I lifted the window and climbed out to the wing. Then I took a running jump, flew like Superman through the air, and, when I reached her, stepped gracefully on to the peak of Mt. Rainier.

“Hello,” I said.
“Hello,” she said.
“It seems to me you possess All the Wisdom There Is.”
“Yes.” She was filing her nails, but stopped when she saw I was settling in for a chat.
“Tea?” she asked.
“No thanks, I’m a coffee woman.”
“Not surprised.”

There was an awkward pause, so I took a minute to glance around. Mt. Rainier sets up a comfy home. She’s got an eye for color. She watched me curiously, which was unnerving because her eyes are also caves, so I kept expecting people or bears to walk out of them. “Umm…okay…so, about that wisdom,” I nudged.

She kept quietly looking at me. The trees sounded like a deck of cards being shuffled. A large bird-like creature snapped its wings. Somewhere water was running over rocks. “I should talk less more often,” I told the mountain. She smiled.

Mt. Rainier’s mouth is also the opening to an active volcano. One of the important lessons I’ve learned while participating in my jet-set lifestyle is how to spot a social cue. For example, when an active volcano opens up, this is a cue to leave.

So I bid a gracious adieu to the mountain. I took my patented running jump from the summit into the air and flew Superman-like over to my private jet. Once I got there, I dangled off the wing for a bit because it reminded me of playing on the monkey bars at recess. Then I hopped back in and plopped down on my chaise lounge.

“Eric,” said I.
“Yes, world-famous Formula 1 racer?”
“I have just come back from talking to the mountain and now I possess All the Wisdom There Is.”

This is when Eric mentioned something about straightjackets, but I had to ignore the comment because straightjackets don’t flatter my figure.