SWEEP THE LEG JOHNNY GAME REPORT
First, this important announcement: The winner of the Power Love February Pun of the Month is: Christopher Jobson!
How can someone win the coveted Power Love Pun of the Month Award on only the second day of the month? I’ll tell you how—this is Chicago, we take care of our friends, quit asking stupid questions.
So Christopher’s mom makes magic hollandaise sauce. Everyone knows this. And this one Christmas, Christopher and his mom were driving to the White House for dinner, and a snow storm hit and they toppled over into a ditch.
During yesterday’s broomball double header, Sweep the Leg Johnny, America’s favorite broomball team, also dealt with a snow storm. A snow storm of death. Because that’s what we bring—natural-disaster-level intensity.
Unfortunately, during the first game, the goals kept moving. And the entire Sweep the Leg Johnny roster was suddenly struck with rickets. And we were playing on a field covered in mountainous snow banks. And, we were playing against robots.
When Christopher and his mom scrambled out of their car that toppled over into the ditch, they quickly realized the magic hollandaise sauce was oozing all over the back seat. “What should we do?” asked the blue hummingbird on Christopher’s shoulder.
In Sweep the Leg Johnny’s second game of the night, we played against aliens. Last week, we called this team the brown team and we liked them. This week, one of them elbowed Byron My Jeans Are Sweet Yours Suck Flitsch, so Byron ate the opponent. The brown team stopped being friendly after that. (The brown team is way too sensitive.) Kyle Collapse Into The Crease Harmon scored a righteously beautiful goal and we were on our way to stardom. Or so we thought.
As the hollandaise sauce oozed over the back seat of the toppled car, Christopher and his mom pried a hub cap off the wheel and collected as much of the sauce as they could.
The brown team was bionic. Bionic aliens are genetically engineered to play broomball at obscene levels of agility. Sweep the Leg Johnny ended up not winning. Apparently, in broomball, you only get points for goals, not style.
When Christopher and his mom arrived at the White House, the King of Malaria sneered at the hollandaise sauce when it was presented. The blue hummingbird, insulted but maintaining composure, said, “Your majesty, there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.”
Donations for the Sweep the Leg Johnny Relief Fund and Comedy Tour may be sent to Kim Morris. Cash only. Watch Christopher Jobson receive his Power Love Pun of the Month Award on tonight’s episode of “Chicago Tonight.”