FRESH FROM POWER LOVE HQ--HOW TO: HALLOWEENING
MODERN ART MAKES ME WANT TO ROCK OUT
We hear you, readers! We know you love the how-to. Who doesn't want to be told by a blog what to do/how to do it? We don't know anyone who doesn't! So, after much research, we are here to tell you how to Halloween properly. You'll want to take notes and keep these notes in a cool, dry place because eventually you'll want to write a confusing short story using these notes. Ha! No you won't. That story's already been written. And besides, I think I'm confusing it with "Hills Like White Elephants."
Okay, this is really no time for destroying literary culture. This is a time for costumes and musics.
I. First. First thing you need to do for proper Halloweening is to get yourself a costume. You should start thinking about next year's costume RIGHT NOW. I highly recommend not waiting until the Saturday before Official Halloween and then giving up. This will cause great stress waves to propel through the world, much like a hurricane, but without the water.
Also, do not forget that someday, you are going to be in a very famous band. You'll need to be able to find a costume that will fit well with the album cover for your band. If you'll look to the left, you'll see the album cover for the soon-to-be-famous rock/country/rap/techno/opera band, Shhh! I'm Thinking!
II. Second. Whatever you can wear in mostly black will work best. Let's say this year, you were The Bad Guy. This is good because: 1) It was not your idea so you didn't waste the precious brain cells you were planning on killing with alcohol on thinking; and 2) It involves wearing all black and basically the same clothes you wear everyday and thereby is in solidarity with Ministry in Ministry's early days when they were a dance band or whatever that was.
III. Third. Go to a practice show. I suggest a show with a bunch of local bands covering other bands, specifically Pearl Jam and Culture Club and the Misfits. Once the bands get around to MC5, make sure you are sufficiently drunk, or else you will realize how very old you really are. And your ears will hurt.
IV. Fourth. On the actual day of Halloweening, make sure you surround yourself with some of your favorite people. In case anyone's wondering, I went to The Bad Guy Convention in Vegas last week, and we're no longer wearing all black. It's so last century. No, when you rob your trains or your wagon convoys, you should be wearing muted colors. And, you should accessorize.
V. Fifth. Go see Art Brut and The Hold Steady. Prepare for the most funnest time. It will be such a great time, you will need a grammatically incorrect superlative to describe it.
VI. Be aware that whoever decided to pair up Art Brut and The Hold Steady on Halloweening night is a motherfucking genius and should be added to the pool of motherfucking geniuses that includes: whoever designed Levi's so that dude's asses look like works of art; the brilliant human who first decided to fry Snickers in a pastry shell; the inventor of flannel pajamas; my bike; the Grand Canyon.
VI. Ninethly, look at all these people! These people are loving it! And that is good. Do not read any music critic's blogs or reviews regarding this night. Look only at all these arms, raised and ecstatic.
VII. Have enough wherewithal to remember the After Picture. Note the tie. There is no room for tight ties after a night of sweaty, mind-blowing-rock-your-brains-out guitar rock.
No, there is not.
And you were there.