Today I meet with The City to discuss budget items. I'm going to suggest that instead of dumping eight jabillion dollars into the Olympics, that we instead divert those monies to my masterfully curated project, the Tourist Education and Awareness Initiative (TEAI). This is a plan wherein every tourist arriving in Chicago learns the basics of city maneuvering, particularly when those tourists arrive via Greyhound, Amtrak, or Metra--three stations that all happen to be in a three-block radius from my work.
The learning experience at TEAI seminars will be one of utter joy and enlightenment. Tourists will learn the art of exiting from a revolving door without stopping immediately on the other side; the skills necessary to move to the side of the sidewalk before taking a picture of the Sears Tower (which is named something else now, I don't know what, I'm still using Chicago Stadium, Comiskey, and Marshall Field's)(I fear change); and most importantly, TEAI participants will learn the fine craft of the street numbering system, which, according to the teenager sitting next to me on the Brown Line this morning, is "totally easy, it's all like, set up in this anal little grid."
Yes. Anal little grid. It is such anal-osity that makes this city flow. Unfortunately, tourists are like the extra-thick toilet paper that clogs up the plumbing. The Tourist Education and Awareness Initiative intends to flush out the stoppages of summers past so we can all live happy, free-flowing lives. Thank you for your support.