PIZZA AND ADJECTIVES

Alert Power Love reader Seymour T. Butz writes:
"What the fuck? I paid for an annual subscription and you haven't posted in a week. Start writing or give me my money back."


We sincerely apologize, Mr. Butz. We have been remiss. In our defense, Team Power Love has been very busy researching the relationship between pizza and emotive adjectives.

Are you aware, Mr. Butz, of the multifarious forms of pizza that exist in the world? It's a wonder the earth isn't covered in pizza, there's so much out there. We have often wondered, while researching, why there aren't pizza roads and pizza bridges, pizza cars with sausage wheels, pizza bikes with tomato wheels. We simply cannot understand how the world isn't just one big pizza. Team Power Love smells a conspiracy of the highest order. We suspect the Republicans. They're pizza haters, you know. Remember that in '08.


While this tries admirably to capture the essence of pizza by geography, Team Power Love dug deeper; our research focuses on the only two factors that really matter in a pizza/adjective discussion: square or pie shaped.

Apparently, the east coasters eat pie-shaped pizza. Frequently, these pieces are rolled in order to facilitate face shoving. East coasters also liberally pepper their conversations with "wicked." As in, "wicked fast," "wicked cold," "wicked pizza-induced indigestion."




Chicagoans, as alert Power Love readers know, eat pizza cut into squares. This horrifies many, but our research shows that when all the edges of a pizza cut into squares are eaten, one is left with the crustless middle pieces. What does one do with crustless middle pieces? Shove them in one's mouth while flummoxed east coasters say, "That is wicked crazy," of course.


Chicagoans typically don't say "wicked." Mostly, we prefer "fuckin." It is at once emotive and offensive. "Fuckin Cubs," "fuckin Daley," "fuckin Streets and San towed my car, those fuckin fuckers."


To recap, pizza and emotive adjectives are a couple as integral to each other's existence as peanut butter is to jelly, potato chips are to French onion dip, and as Nutella is to everything. We explore this topic in depth in our paper, but are not free to disclose any other details until after the Pulitzer committee awards us our prize for Exemplary Service to Humankind.