Remember in January when it was 30 degrees below zero and the wind was hauling ass at about 25mph and the arctic wind gusts would slap you in the face so hard your eyeballs would start watering and then you'd go to wipe your face but realize that your watering eyes just froze and so you were stuck with an ice face for the rest of the day or until you at least found heat. And remember how your eyelashes were heavy from the icicles that instantaneously formed on them and then you went to blow your nose, but your nose hairs had already froze, which caused a problem with forward momentum and so your stuffed-up nose backfired, which resulted in your brain being blown into a million pieces, which ended up shooting out of your ears, at which point your million-pieced brain landed in a snow bank and was promptly misdiagnosed as a member of the snow bank brigade and then quickly scooped up by the city's crack team of streets and san snow plows, then taken to a landfill, where your brain was tossed, unceremoniously, into a pile with other waste and detritus.

Today is not like that.