Power Love

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14 November 2006


Today's How-To: How to Make a Ridiculous Ass of Yourself

First, make sure you schedule a very important conference call first thing in the morning and when the rest of the participants try to talk you into scheduling it later, say something extremely intelligent like, "The early bird gets the worm!"

Second, on the day of the conference call, wake up really, really late. You can accomplish this in one of two ways:
a) When the alarm goes off, hit the snooze button fifteen times, grunting louder with each hit, as though the alarm has some nerve to bother you at such an unreasonable hour;
b) When the alarm goes off, turn it off under the logic that you need much more sleep because you were up way too late last night, but for good reason because, c'mon, those episodes of "Carnivale" are not going to watch themselves.

Third, Scramble out of bed, throw on yesterday's clothes, grab your bag, and run out of your dwelling.

Fourth, sprint to the el and when you get there, plow into the turnstile as though you couldn't see it and when the pain of crashing into an immovable object cascades over you, scream out, "Holy shit! Those turnstiles are hard!" Once you are sure everyone is staring at you, run to the stairs. Trip on your way up.

Fifth, when you get to work at 8:29 and you see all the conference call participants milling about in the kitchen, drinking coffee and chatting and having a generally lovely time, snap at them with a hearty, "We have a conference call in ONE MINUTE!" Wait patiently while one of the braver participants politely says, "The conference call is scheduled for tomorrow."

Sixth, be thankful for your corner cubicle and remain there for the rest of the day.