They say when you are sick you should rest, but I suspect that that "they" is also the they that says you should drink lots of water and get eight hours of sleep each night and are we really going to believe that? I mean, really. It's like the advice that can be categorized under the Eat Green Vegetables topic, which I think we can all agree, does not really work, unless you are looking to alienate your friends by gassing them out of the room.


The best part of being sick when it's 80 degrees outside is that you experience that suffering and dehydrating delusion-of-oasis-in-the-desert syndrome. So far I have won the team time trial in the Tour de France. Here we are now, my team:
















Except my team is not men, we are not on CSC, and we don't have the yellow jersey, but only because we are waiting for the Pyrenees where we will pounce like mountain goats--no!--mountain lions on the rest of the peloton and then it is, as the French say, adios to you, suckers! My team and I are going to win sans doping, which rules, until someone bans caffeine, at which point, I will be totally screwed, but then I will claim ignorance and sue Coca-Cola and Intelligensia coffee and make a bazillion gazillion dollars (physical and mental stress) and then I will dump all that moola into a nonprofit organization that teaches the world to love writing and reading and the only books we will read will be my handmade books with my own stories and I will not address questions from the press about how self-serving that is because I will be too busy trying to find a factory in India that will make my handmade books for me. And also, apparently, in my daydreams, the Tour has been moved from July to June. You should start training right now.

But back to my bathroom--which has evidently decided to redecorate itself in my absence as the Person Who Cleans The Bathroom, a title I once held but was demoted from when I gave up cleaning in lieu of life, which does not allow much time for the trivial, of which bathroom cleaning is.

Currently, my bathroom is decorated in colors that do not look natural, but is porcelain natural? I argue, no. It cannot possibly be, though possibly it's a mineral, but are minerals really natural? I argue, no. Despite evidence to the contrary because I have a rock the size of a weeping willow in my stomach and it's making me tired and delusional and occassionally despotic, which is unfortunate, since I have no country to rule paranoidly.

Anyway, the bathroom has taken on a life of its own, so I had to go in there yesterday and wage war. I do not want a bathroom in shady colors that I can't quite name. There is no Shady Colored Bathroom crayon in the Crayola box of 64 colored crayons, at least I don't think so, and the fact that I keep the lights low in there to avoid really looking at anything too closely does not mean my bathroom can go willy nilly into the field of self decoration.

So, I cleaned the bathtub, which is now white and rather frightening, and also the sink, which is also white and rather frightening and now it all smells clean, which is also weird, but clean doesn't really smell white, it smells more yellow, though in relation to a bathroom, probably sounds gross, like pee, but I don't mean yellow pee, I mean canary yellow, like happy chicks at Easter and also, I think my teeth are too yellow, but I don't want to use those teeth strips because they feel weird and fuzzy when I use them, nor do I want to stop drinking coffee because how will I win the team time trial at the Tour without doping on caffeine and without that win, there will be no handmade books and life as we know it will end because reading will die and without reading, your life will suck so bad you won't know what to do with yourself, so it's a good thing I'm thinking of you now, even though I'm sick. And this is why I am going to win the Best Saint Ever Award.