During the festival of dudes yesterday, also known as a conversation with lovely humans all of whom happened to be male, a picture of the gorgeousest puppy that ever lived showed up on the computer screen around which we were standing. I, in my infinite wisdom and with great professionalism, said, "Ohmygod, what a cute pupperlupperdupperdo! He's soooo cute!" And I did so in the kind of voice you'd use to try to coax a baby to eat that disgusting looking green mash that says "zucchini" on the jar but looks more like pureed snot.

After my insightful comment, I looked around and realized everyone was staring at me and this is because talking to dudes about soft, cute, fuzzy puppies will inevitably win you a bouquet of blank stares followed by a series of looks that will make you wonder if your hair is covered in orange marmalade.

Thusforth, in Team Power Love's continuing pursuit of academic excellence and tireless devotion to public service, we initiated a refined research project for the purpose of delineating other conversation starters to employ, should you wish to elicit the I'm-obviously-somewhere-else-not-listening-to-you-but-can't-help-staring-at-you-as-though-you've-lost-your-mind look. Those conversation starters are as follows:

1. "Well, when I get my period, I can't use tampons because . . . "
2. "I can't figure out if these t-straps make me look stumpy. Do you think . . ."
3. "The other day, on Oprah . . . "

These conversation starters are also available in hard copy. Just send $5 for shipping and handling to Team Power Love HQ.