Power Love

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07 March 2008

Hello! Have a seat. Glass of wine? Let’s catch up, shall we?

So. As every serious cyclist knows, now is the time for the all-important Base Training. Since cycling is such a popular sport in our Amurca, no doubt this is not news to you, alert Power Love reader—but for those of you out there who aren’t aware, Base Training is the funnest part of any cyclist’s life. Especially serious Midwest cyclers. Base Training involves many hours on a “trainer,” and not the kind of “trainer” with chiseled pecs who works at Bally’s or Crunch or that gym in your neighborhood with the endless rows of treadmills butted right up to the storefront window so everyone walking by with their bags of McDonald’s and KFC can see how assiduously you’re working out—NOT that trainer.

I’m talking about the fun kind of trainer. You probably have one, so you probably don’t need this picture, but a lesson is nothing without visual aids and we are all about public service lessons here at Team Power Love.

Trainers are more fun than Wii. I know this because I’ve ridden a trainer for hours, but I’ve never played Wii. The thing about Wii is, you end up playing a sport like you’re really playing a sport, and apparently it’s all fun and good times, especially with friends, the more the merrier and all that, but with a trainer—wow—you get endless hours BY YOURSELF in front of your TV and if you’re smart, like me, you have your iPod all decked out with 1.75 hours of music but then forget to charge the iPod, but still, you wear your headphones anyway, to give you the illusion you are a bike-riding rock star and your know what? You’re right. You are! You are a bike-riding rock star and you should totally talk to yourself while you’re all alone riding your trainer watching crappy network television, listening to songs from the early 90s, wondering if you should buy tickets to that one-and-only Yaz concert coming through town because ohmygod how COOL would it be to hear anything from Upstairs at Eric’s? LIVE! Pretty damn cool and also, the trainer is the perfect time to perfect your snot rocket abilities.

As every serious cyclist knows, you are nothing in this world if you cannot hurl a solid snot rocket. Do you think those beautifully paved roads out in western Illinois are going to gloss over on their own this summer? NO! They are not. You are going to have to help them along, and you will do it with your expertly launched snot rockets and you will succeed because right now, YOU ARE TRAINING ON YOUR TRAINER for just such a challenge. Also, you now have really shiny wood floors, so you are winning all around. Smart move!

In addition, your trainer time should spent thinking about how you can improve the world. Since this is a blog, and everyone knows blogs are in existence solely for the purpose of telling others what to do, I am happy to present you with the following list of things you should be doing while Base Training:

1. Find a solution to world poverty
2. Find a solution for adult-onset acne
3. Find out the cost of those Betsey Johnson four-inch spectator pumps at Pump
4. Ha! Just seeing if you’re paying attention—you KNOW how much those Betsey Johnson four-inch spectator pumps at Pump are and YOU CANNOT AFFORD THEM
5. Unless you sign up for that credit card with the unlimited limit that just came in the mail yesterday
6. What tanking economy?
7. Find the sun, take it out to the nearest alley, kick its ass inside out, tell it to get hotter before you have to “stick yer boys on it and set it up for a pair of concrete shoes” (do not mention that the sun does not wear shoes)
8. Steal summer’s home address from the inside pocket of the sun’s coat
9. Hunt down summer
10. Once you find summer, tell it that it belongs to you and if it ever leaves again THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY

Heretofore and moreover, quite obviously, Base Training is the greatest time of year. You really learn to sharpen your mind and your social skills, so once this “summer” thing decides to show up, you will be prepared to discuss with actual humans all the cool things you have been thinking about in that nonvegetative mind of yours.

Good day.