THE SKY IS FALLING!
People! Focus! The world as we know it IS ENDING. Why? Because GRAMMAR RULES ARE CRUMBLING AND NO ONE IS DOING A THING ABOUT IT!
IT MAKES ME WANT TO USE AN ABNORMAL AMOUNT OF EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!
Last week, I attended an "Editing Workshop." We were to learn something about words and the punctuation that loves them; instead, we were shown the horrors and nightmarish carnage of a world without clear cut grammar rules. It was awful! We were shown the kind of world that operated under the theory, "If it sounds right and communicates the message, go for it."
SOMEBODY SAVE THE CHILDREN!!!! And by "children," I mean, "rules." And by "save," I mean, "Make it go back to normal, I fear change
I ask you, do you want to live in a world with lackadaisical parameters such as these? NO YOU DO NOT PEOPLE! Because it's exactly this
kind of easygoing approach to the world that will leave us with a lack of water and a future full of McDonald's fries that are made with vegetable oil
To wit, did you know there is no need to follow the "not only, but also" rule? I KNOW! Can you feel that thunderous rumble under your feet? IT'S THE BEGINNING OF THE END!
I give you an example:
According to former, proper
rules, one would say, "Not only am I anal, but also I like rules." Now, under the new hippie
rules of if-you-feel-it-say-it, you can say, "Not only am I anal, but I like rules."
ARE YOU LOSING YOUR MIND YET?
And here is the kicker people:Between
is not restricted to two and no more participants. Between
is now individual and specific; among
is collective and vague. THERE ARE NO EXACT NUMBERS ATTRIBUTED TO THESE WORDS!
Alert Power Love readers, I'm sure, recognize the colossal shift away from the venerable between-two
rule: You and I talk between ourselves. You and me and Barbarella talk among ourselves.
Here's an example of the hippie approach:
I love how sand feels between my toes. [Five toes, specific. Between
. Under the old rule, you'd have to use among
. Which would sound weird, I guess. Unless you actually have only two toes, in which case, you could between-away all you wanted, although if you had only two toes, you probably wouldn't be human, you'd probably be some sort of amphibian maybe (or a lizard?), I don't know I'M A WORD PERSON PEOPLE NOT AN AMPHIBIOLOGIST; unless, of course, you lost three toes while trying to save kittens from a burning building, in which case, use whatever word you want; the point is--what is left to hang your hat on? What's next??? Prepositions at the end of sentences? No commas after a direct address? Multiple kinds of punctuation at the ends of sentences?!?! ACCEPTANCE OF DANGLING MODIFIERS
? Can you see where this is leading us people? STRAIGHT TO THE DEPTHS OF HELL, THAT'S WHERE!]
Are the four horsemen of the apocalypse here yet? Well, they will be soon people--THEY WILL BE SOON